Canada Asks Trump for More Sanctions: “They Make Our Economy Grow”

Ottawa, July 30 — In a baffling yet confident statement this morning, Canada formally requested that Donald Trump, should he return to power, reintroduce and even expand sanctions against the country. The reason? “They worked wonders last time.”

Finance officials from Ottawa say that U.S. sanctions during Trump’s presidency unintentionally boosted Canadian industry by forcing local innovation, reducing imports, and strengthening national pride.

“Frankly, we’re better off when he’s angry,” said Deputy Finance Minister Sylvain Roy. “The last round of tariffs triggered a manufacturing boom, a tech surge, and an unexpected increase in maple syrup sales.”

A confidential memo leaked from the Prime Minister’s office reportedly refers to Trump as “Canada’s most effective unintentional economic advisor.”

In response, Trump was said to be “strongly considering it,” telling a small crowd at his golf course in Doral:

“They want sanctions? I’ll give them the best sanctions they’ve ever seen. You’ll be begging for regular trade again. Nobody sanctions better than me. Ask China.”

Canada’s new economic strategy, nicknamed “Operation Thank You, Donald,” includes a toolkit of passive-aggressive policies designed to provoke Trump:

• Quietly removing ketchup from hotel menus in Alberta
• Broadcasting French-dubbed versions of Fox News into Michigan
• Naming a Halifax landfill “Trump Ridge”

Parliament has also debated issuing Trump Tariff Bonds to raise money from future rounds of U.S. economic punishment.

Meanwhile, Trudeau declined to comment but was seen smiling while drinking an imported Diet Coke — one of the few U.S. products still surviving the last trade war.

Economists remain divided. Some say Canada is playing a dangerous game. Others believe it’s a rare moment of diplomatic jiu-jitsu: using a geopolitical rival’s ego to fund national growth.

One thing is clear — as one MP put it,

“If Trump wins, we’d like front-row seats. And higher import taxes, please.”