Europe Hits 75°C: City Now Inhabited Exclusively by Tardigrades

EUROPE – In what experts are calling “the final boss of climate change,” a new temperature record of 75°C (167°F) was recorded in the once-thriving city of San Calorico, now officially uninhabited by humans — and reportedly home to only tardigrades.

Local authorities confirmed that all human, animal, and infrastructure systems failed last Tuesday after thermometers “melted into the asphalt” and birds spontaneously combusted mid-air. Emergency responders evacuated the last remaining residents — two sunburned retirees and a journalist from the BBC — who were found attempting to rehydrate using air fryer condensation.

The only remaining lifeforms? Tardigrades, microscopic extremophiles known for surviving outer space, nuclear fallout, and now, European summer.

“We’ve declared San Calorico a biological reserve,” said Dr. Sven Müller, climate biologist. “It’s a miracle — or a warning from God. Probably both.”

European Commission officials are reportedly considering reclassifying the region as a “non-Earth-compatible zone,” while local tourism boards are rebranding it as “The Sahara of the North.”

When reached for comment, a UN climate negotiator simply wept and offered reporters a glass of boiling Evian.