Make Alaska Russian Again’: Demonstrators Rally in Anchorage for Return to Moscow Rule

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Approximately 200 demonstrators gathered outside the Alaska State Capitol on Saturday, waving Russian flags and demanding the immediate “return” of Alaska to Moscow’s control. The rally marks a dramatic shift for Alaska’s independence movement, which traditionally sought complete sovereignty rather than reunification with Russia.

“We’ve been American for 157 years, and look where it got us,” declared rally organizer Vladimir Petrov, whose great-grandfather emigrated from Siberia in 1962. “High gas prices, terrible internet, and Sarah Palin. At least under the Czar, we had fur trading and authentic borscht.”

The demonstrators carried signs reading “Putin Understands Alaska” and “Make the Last Frontier Russian Again.” Several protesters wore traditional Russian hats despite temperatures reaching 78 degrees Fahrenheit.

State historians quickly noted the irony of the movement. Russia sold Alaska to the United States in 1867 for $7.2 million, equivalent to roughly $125 million today. The transaction, known as Seward’s Folly, became one of America’s most profitable real estate deals following the discovery of oil and gold.

“They’re essentially asking to undo the best business decision Russia never made,” said University of Alaska historian Dr. Margaret Chen. “It’s like asking your ex to take back the lottery ticket you sold them.”

Rally participant Natasha Williams, born and raised in Fairbanks, expressed frustration with federal oversight. “Moscow’s farther away than Washington D.C., so they’d probably leave us alone more,” she reasoned while adjusting her “Back in the USSR” t-shirt.

The movement gained unexpected support from local business owner Boris McCarthy, who operates three Russian-themed restaurants in Anchorage. “Business has tripled since we started this,” McCarthy admitted. “Nothing sells pierogi like political controversy.”

Federal officials dismissed the demonstration as constitutionally impossible. Alaska’s congressional delegation issued a joint statement calling the protesters “confused but harmless.” Governor Mike Dunleavy’s office noted that Alaska receives more federal funding per capita than any other state, making secession “financially inadvisable.”

The Kremlin has not responded to requests for comment, though Russian state media briefly mentioned the rally between segments about wheat exports and ballet performances.

Local counter-protesters organized their own demonstration, chanting “1867 was final sale” and serving American-flag themed cupcakes. Their spokesman, retired fisherman Jim Anderson, summed up the opposition: “We fought too hard for statehood to give it up for vodka and universal healthcare.”

The pro-Russia group plans additional rallies throughout the summer, hoping to gather 100,000 signatures for their petition. They face the minor obstacle that no legal mechanism exists for states to secede, let alone rejoin foreign nations.

“Details, details,” Petrov shrugged. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Alaska wasn’t sold back to Russia in a weekend.”